Johnny Rotten, through a major television contract public access, has obtained his own talk show. On today's show, he welcomes the major-party (translation: lots of cash) presidential candidates of Campaign 2000. He is welcomed onstage to his desk by theme music performed by his keyboardist, Bob (also known as the host of "Trout Fishing Hour with Bob", on the same channel. Johnny Rotten takes his seat to wild audience applause.
JOHNNY ROTTEN	seating himself Thank you...you're too kind...aside what a shame I had to pay you to be my audience. To the audience Yes, well...first on today's show we have the Democratic presidential candidates. Please give a round of applause...any applause will do...to Al Gore and Joe Lieberman! He claps, but the audience is silent and blank-faced. I said "clap", you wankers! It's not as if I didn't pay you. The audience applauds while Gore and Lieberman enter in fine suits. The candidates seat themselves. to Gore So...what is the first thing that you would do after bein' sworn in as President of the United States?
AL GORE	Well, Mr. Rotten, I do believe I would go to the store and buy some toiletpaper...Charmin to be exact....
ROTTEN	Fuck me again?
GORE	While I cannot agree with your use of profane language with so many young viewers out there, I also understand your point, Mr. Rotten. Mr. Clinton has brought it to my attention that the toiletpaper in the White House bathrooms is, in fact, far from being "squeezably soft", which is perfectly acceptable. Why should the American taxpayer be held responsible for the degree of softness of the White House toiletpaper? A president shouldn't expect the hard-working average American to pay for special bathroom tissue, so I intend to purchase it out-of-pocket. Also, it has been brought to my attention by Miss Chelsea Clinton that the White House toiletpaper is non-biodegradable, which concerns me as an environmentalist, and this is certainly not the case for Charmin toiletpaper--
ROTTEN	Why don't you just wipe your arse with the taxpayer's money?
GORE	Pardon me?
ROTTEN	Well, you know, it's something that world leaders have been doin' for bloody centuries now, so....
GORE	Yes, I see what you're saying, Mr. Rotten. I never thought of that...come to think of it, used one-dollar bills would make ideal toilet tissue...they would be softened with the worker's sweat and probably quite absorbent--
ROTTEN	Why stop at one-dollar bills? Why not use fifty...one hundred?
GORE	Well, Mr. Rotten, I'll have to give it some thought. Musing Mr. Rotten...do you mind if I call you "Johnny"?
ROTTEN	Fuck you.
GORE	Thank you, Johnny. Suddenly sparks fly, and smoke is seen enveloping Gore momentarily. The smoke clears. mechanically Curcuit error.
ROTTEN	Oh, so that's why they call you "Mr. Roboto".
GORE	mecanically I resent insinuations that I am an android. After a pause; still mecanically Oh, I get it--that was a joke, wasn't it? Ha-ha-ha....
ROTTEN	So this is your running mate, Joe Lieberman? Gore turns to Lieberman and smooches him dryly.
GORE	mechanically Kiss Tipper, kiss Tipper...look realistic...tongue, tongue, tongue.
JOE LIEBERMAN	pushing Gore away What are you doing, Al? Slapping Gore Come to your senses! We're lobbying for the middle-class Bible Belt, not a gay pride parade.
ROTTEN	I'm not gay, I'm British!
GORE	mechanically Sorry, Joe...curcuit malfunction. System detects virus. More sparks fly as Gore slumps over.
LIEBERMAN	Hurry up! Get him to the shop--er, lab--er, hospital. Gore is taken out on a dolly.
ROTTEN	What's wrong with him?
LIEBERMAN	Didn't you hear him? He's got a virus...he's a very sick pausing to think...man. He only appeared on this show because Al Gore is a man of his word. Under his breath Too bad he was programmed that way. Aloud I told him we didn't need to lobby here, since you're British.
ROTTEN	What? I have American viewers!
LIEBERMAN	Not the kind we want voting for us.
ROTTEN	Well! It's been a pleasure...aside not really...aloud to have you with derision politicians on my show. Lieberman exits the stage. Now to welcome on the show, some other with derision politicians, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Cheney enters, dressed in khaki pants and a pink work shirt, also sporting a toupee. Bush soon follows, dressed in like khaki pants and a white workshirt, looking around himself in paranoia as he enters and takes a seat between Rotten and Cheney. The audience applauds with gusto. to the audience If you think you're getting paid extra for that.... To Cheney So...Mr. Cheney, can I call you "dick"?
DICK CHENEY	Well, that's what my colleagues call me, Johnny.
ROTTEN	What about "hairy penis"?
CHENEY	looking puzzled Well, Johnny, it's like this--
ROTTEN	How about just plain "cock"?
GEORGE W. BUSH	Boy, Johnny, am I glad those major league assholes left. Sniffing Say, Johnny, do you have any coke?
ROTTEN	Ah, um...the microphones are on.
BUSH	under his breath Shit! Aloud I meant soda...I'm really thirsty...my wife just made me some pausing to think; with a blank look...brownies. Staring at the lights Groovy...glancing at Rotten's desk Say, can I have a closer look at that powder on your desk? Bush begins to lick Rotten's desk.
ROTTEN	Why are you licking doughnut sugar from my desk? Cheney smacks Bush on the rear end with a rolled-up newspaper.
CHENEY	Bad Bush, bad Bush.
ROTTEN	Oh, look, a bloody Bushwhacker!
BUSH	storming off I'll find that box of "doughnuts" somehow.
ROTTEN	to Cheney So far, Cock, it seems like you're the only one who isn't out of his bloody gourd. To the audience Next week on this show we'll feature Pat Robertson. Cheney extends his arm in a Nazi salute.
CHENEY	Heil Robertson!
ROTTEN	Uh...Cock, we're still on the air.
CHENEY	lowering his arm Shit! There goes the Negro vote. Lieberman re-enters with a baseball bat and starts to beat Cheney.
LIEBERMAN	Damned racist! My mother warned me about fellows who wear pink business shirts. He rips off Cheney's toupee. I knew it! Skinhead! Skinhead! Cheney groans in pain, falling onto the carpet.
CHENEY	I'm not a skinhead, you idiot, I'm bald! Beeps and bleeps are heard as Gore re-enters, sparks flying from his collar.
GORE	mechanically; feminist slogan chant RU-486 is there for you in a fix 'cause you like the dicks.
CHENEY	gasping for breath At least someone appreciates me. Bush reappears.
BUSH	Damn, Johnny, dammit! I couldn't find it! Say, how far do you live from Keith Richards? He always has the good shit. C'mon, 'fess up, how far do you live from him?
ROTTEN	sarcastically Oh, about as far as I live from any other British famous people...down the block. To the audience Thank you for watching...we are now off the air. The audience snores. You can go now! The audience awakens and stampedes out of the studio.
BUSH	Johnny, do all British broads have gap teeth?
ROTTEN	Uh, no...why do you ask?
BUSH	Well, I was on the campaign trail the other night, and I was in this hotel room, where I ordered a British whore--
ROTTEN	shuddering Ugh...I don't wanna know.
BUSH	...and when she was goin' down on me, I saw she had gap teeth. This happened at every hotel room, and I know it wasn't the same whore.
ROTTEN	Why were you campaigning in Britain? Gore beeps and bleeps.
GORE	mechanically; feminist slogan chant RU-486...for British chicks who like the dicks. Taking a seat and panting, Lieberman calms down and stops beating Cheney. Cheney rolls around on the floor.
CHENEY	half-conscious Did someone call my name?
LIEBERMAN	I didn't hear anyone say "racist bastard".
ROTTEN	Bloody H, Cock, you're on the floor and he was only beatin' you with an inflatable bat.
CHENEY	barely cohesive Chics...love...Dick.
LIEBERMAN	Johnny, like many people underestimate the power of the American military, they also miscalculate the power of a gelatin-filled baseball bat. To Cheney No hard feelings.
CHENEY	muttering No hard feelings, my ass!
LIEBERMAN	What did you say?
CHENEY	slobbering on the carpet I said I have no feeling in my ass. Licking his swollen lip Was that lemon Jell-O in the bat?
BUSH	singing Jimi Hendrix Hey, Joe...where ya goin' with that gun in your hand?
LIEBERMAN	shaking his head repeatedly Crackhead...it's not a gun, it's a rubber bat.
BUSH	Oh, oh...did someone say "rubbers"? I'll need a few good condoms if I get another gap-toothed British whore.
GORE	mechanically; feminist slogan chant Condoms are great, but try RU-486 on your next date.
	The End. Tune in next month for Episode Two of "A Day in the Life of Johnny Rotten".