PLACE: PUSS-N-BOOT HILL
WHO: ANYONE, REGARDLESS OF AGE, WHO IS ABLE TO PICK A CAT UP BY THE TAIL AND FLING IT AT LEAST SIX FEET
FEE: NONE, BUT CONTESTANTS MUST SUPPLY THEIR OWN CAT(S)
PRIZE: NONE, BUT GREAT SATISFACTION CAN BE HAD BY ALL......IT WILL BE A SCREAM
FOR THE FANS:
No hard and fast rules exist for appropriate fan attire, but fans should keep in mind that cat flinging is a gala event, and dress accordingly. This will truly separate the dyed-in-the-fur fan from the mere spectator.
FOR THE FLINGER:
While the fan and cat are having a good time and can show it by festive dress, the cat flinger, having great fun also, might want to be more practical. He or she might want to consider, along with resplendent garb, a pair of thick leather gloves, a thick woolen or flannel loose fitting long sleeve shirt, coat, or jacket, a thick pair of bib overalls, and possibly some type of face shield or, at least, some type of eye protection. Remember that even though declawed cats may be used, they can still be rambunctious and bite if not handled well or stunned sufficiently.
NEAR AND FAR is an article that looks at the differences between flinging the common house cat versus the various other members of the cat family from around the world. It can be found in WORLD GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE.
AS THE FUR FLIES is an article that describes the various theories on the aerodynamics involved in cat flinging and applying them to improving the distance of the fling. It can be found in AERONAUTICAL TIMES.
DO UNTO OTHERS is an article in which the church takes a stand in favor of cat flinging on the grounds that it is better to give a fling than to receive one. It can be found in NEW RELIGION DIGEST.
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF EXPIRED CATS is an article describing how cats who have become physically and metabolically challenged after expiring during a fling can still enjoy and be active participants in various other sporting events such as being lures for deep sea fishing, decoys to help train hunting dogs, and practice targets for bow hunters. It can be found in SPORTING WORLD JOURNAL.
YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY is an article extolling the virtues of cat flinging as a life sport for both cat and human and documents the history of several elderly cat and human participants, how and at what age they got started, and how the sport has enhanced their lives. It can be found in LIFE, RETIREMENT, AND LEISURE MAGAZINE.
With resentment building toward the cat, because of it's intransigence, the Egyptians eventually realized that to move a cat, one could kick the cat or grasp the cat by some body part and give the cat a fling. Both methods were used. Cat kicking did not develop into a sport in it's own right but went on, through a convoluted history, to become first soccer, then rugby, and still later football. The essentials of Cat Flinging have remained basically unchanged over the millennia, grab the cat, fling the cat. However, even though the Egyptians established cat flinging as a legitimate activity, it was not yet competitive. It took the Greeks to start the competition. It should be noted that Cat Flinging had nothing to do with the fall of the Egyptian civilization.
As the Greeks came in contact with the Egyptians they also came in contact with the Egyptian cat and Cat Flinging. Greeks being open minded folks, exceedingly fun loving, and game oriented, ie. the Olympics, it is not hard to imagine two Greeks sitting in an open air cafe when a cat wanders by and the following situation ensuing: one picks up a cat and flings it, saying to the other, "Ha, Ha, Frank, see if you can beat that, Ha, Ha." Frank, later, having had such a good time Cat Flinging, tells a friend and passes the challenge on to another, who passes the challenge on. And so on until whole segments of Greek society are enjoying the delights of Cat Flinging. Cat Flinging remained an amusing pastime to the Greeks. It was never elevated to a formal status as being an event in the Olympics probably because the competitors didn't wear clothing. It should be noted that Cat Flinging had nothing to do with the fall of the Greek civilization.
Cat Flinging next appeared in Rome. It was a popular event at the coliseum between teams of gladiators. It was during this time that attempts were made to fling larger cats, ie lions. They found that smaller lions could be hefted with some difficulty but clearly dramatic results. The larger lions resisted most attempts at flinging with even more dramatic results. At that point the Romans realized that the thrill of watching lions fling people was equal to the thrill of watching people fling cats. Hence throwing Christians to the lions got its start. It was also during that time that the idea of the circus was born. The idea was to amuse the populace with displays of wild animals from around the world and to have animal acts. To this end, Cat Juggling was attempted. There is no evidence in recorded history, but it is popularly believed that Cat Juggling evolved as a perversion of Cat Flinging. No one is totally sure. It is known that Cat Juggling had a bloody and less than spectacular rise and died an inglorious death as they didn't know how to declaw cats then. As Roman legions advanced throughout Europe, they took Cat Flinging with them. They also introduced the concept of wagering on the outcome of the fling. It should be noted that Cat Flinging had nothing to do with the fall of the Roman Empire.
After the fall of Rome, cat flinging still enjoyed popularity throughout Europe even during the Dark Ages. Because of the lack of sanitation with resultant increase in rodent population, cats were in abundance. It was during that time when people were bored, money was scarce, and TV and video games hadn't been invented yet that Cat Flinging had its Golden Age. Court jesters, wandering minstrels, and the like were chiefly responsible for encouraging the activity. Cruelty was a not an uncommon happening during that time in history, ie the Inquisition. In that light it is understandable to learn that during the Dark Ages people started to hit cats with sticks, first while in the air during the actual fling and later after the cat had landed. It probably started as a school boy prank. These were the rudimentary beginnings of the games of baseball, tennis, and golf. It is probably no mean coincidence that, at that time, stunning the cat with a blow to the base of the skull became an accepted and much touted prefling technique to help the cat relax during the actual fling and enjoy it more. Sad though it may be, because of the increase demand for cats, rodent numbers rose even higher and Europe had several plagues before someone figured the cause. It should be noted that Cat Flinging had nothing to do with the end of the Dark Ages.
The Middle Ages were a time of experimentation and discovery, ie. Leonardo DeVinci. Protective clothing for Cat Flinging got its start when a knight who was in a hurry after a joust, didn't take the time to change clothing before participating in a Cat Fling. From that point, knights realized injury to themselves was less when participating in their armor. Many variations on the fling were tried. It was found that grasping the cat by the tail provided the best fling results. Cat Rolling was tried in which the cat was flung in a manner that it rolled along the ground for most to all of the time. As the story goes, one day a cat was accidentally rolled into a bunch of bottles which tipped over leading eventually to bowling. Also, flinging cats for height instead of distance was tried. This provided the inspiration eventually for volleyball and basketball. A variation on this, the Cat Splat never caught on. The objective was to get the cat high enough that when it landed it would splat. As the Middle Ages drew to a close, Cat Flinging had become a well recognized sport with several variations that was enjoyed by all segments of both cat and human society throughout Europe. It should be noted that Cat Flinging had nothing to do with the end of the Middle Ages.
With the rise of the British Empire, two extremely important events happened in the annals of Cat Flinging. First, Cat Flinging went international. The British, being wonderful sports and enjoying Cat Flinging immensely, wanted the entire world to know of the pleasures derived from cat flinging. Therefore as new countries were colonized, Cat Flinging was introduced to the native populations. At the height of the British Empire, large segments of the world knew about Cat Flinging. It did not experience all the acceptance throughout the world that one might expect though, as the cat was a menu item in some countries and to toy with its affections before becoming a meal was looked upon by some as being in poor taste. The second thing that happened was a codification of the rules of Cat Flinging. The British realized that if Cat Flinging was to be an international sport, there needed to be uniformity of rules between all competitors. They also did it because they are very anal retentive/obsessive-compulsive, ie. Queen Victoria. Cricket, by the way, is in no way connected with Cat Flinging. If the truth be known, there is no logical explanation for it's existence or its rules, which may explain why it is only played in England. In any case, It should be noted that Cat Flinging was instrumental in bringing about the downfall of the British Empire. Well not actually Cat Flinging per se but, throughout the world, people resented the sport being imposed on them, especially those who viewed cats with gustatorial delight. Rebellion, the natural sequelae, could not be controlled or contained.
In the most recent past, the United States has contributed to Cat Flinging and, as in all things, has carried it to frivolous and gaudy heights with the introduction of brightly colored clothing and jewelry for the participants and fans. Cat Flinging also has the distinction of being the first place where the much touted and hedonistic bashes called tailgate parties were introduced to the sporting world. It should be noted that, to date, it is unknown if Cat Flinging will contribute to the unraveling of American culture.
Cat Flinging, as can be seen, has a long and colorful past. It has been enjoyed by countless millions over the centuries. As it is such a pleasant way to pass a few hours on any particular day, whether in practice or in actual competition, it can probably be expected to be around for centuries more. It must be said that although Cat Flinging no longer has the tremendous followings that it once had, the sport as it exists today has been honed and refined through the centuries to the point that aficionados almost consider it an art form. Who knows what its future will hold.
From: Dennislortz@aol.com Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2002 14:15:50 EDT Subject: cat flinging I work for a TV show and one of my producers unfortunately stumbled upon your absolutely repulsive web-site. I am amazed at your cowardness -- and cannot believe you actually think it's funny to have a page on "Cat Flinging". I must tell you, there are a number of us here that would love to take you by the ass and fling you into a hard brick wall. Imagine yourself how that would feel. If it's supposed to be funny, it's not. I know someone who lost their cat in exactly that fashion. It's people like you that should be put away.
Reply-to: "Saudade" <saudade4u@mchsi.com> From: "Saudade" <saudade4u@mchsi.com> To: Dennislortz@aol.com Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 21:58:13 -0500 Well, Mr Lortz, I am the author of Cat Flinging. Your e-mail has finally made its way to my attention. At first I laughed at the thought that someone would take something so silly as my "Cat Flinging" story and be offended by it. Then I cried because it wasn't just anything that someone took offense at. It was a part of me, my creativity that was being attacked. Then I realized that in this world of troubled souls, sick societies, famine, war, pestilence, economic chaos, environmental disasters, and more kinds of personal human suffering than one can shake a stick at, that if anyone should spend time on feeling offended by something as trivial as this story, then they are really part of the world's problems and not part of the solution. Wake up Mr. Lortz. Maybe I have a warped view of the world. I call it creativity. But, seriously, it is a silly story, a flight of imagination with a touch of absurdity thrown in. It has no basis in reality other than the word cat. It was written to the delight and amusement of several "cat people" that I worked with at the time it was written. As far as your friend losing a cat from it being flung, well gee. I had no knowledge of your friend's cat six or so years ago when the story was written. I doubt seriously that the person who did that to your friend's cat ever read my story. So, think, like Steven King shouldn't write stories about viscious dogs because someone actually died from a dog attack? Get real. Do you have problems separating TV characters from the actors who play them? Do you have read fiction novels and feel they really happened? As far as you or someone else wanting to fling me. You know, intolerance of others, is one of the core ingredients of turmoil in the world. And, threatened violence can be considered assault. At this point, I do have grounds for filing assault charges against you as I do feel threatened by your e-mail. Look it up if you don't believe me. Or, better yet consult your lawyer for clarification. So, Mr. Lortz, to conclude this response back to you. I find you lacking. If you really want to find something to get upset about, get upset about the teeth of the Fourth Estate being pulled by major networks bending news to suit the owners and the government's agendas. Get perturbed by journalism majors being taught to be spin doctors to manipulate people rather than to be reporters stories. Get angry at Congress being controlled by lawyers and big business. Get upset about the conflict in the Middle East and the atrocities that the Israelis are visiting on the Arabs and that the Arabs are visiting on the Isrealis. Get incensed about the English/Irish idealogical battle. Get bothered by the killings that take place in Latin American and South American countries daily or better yet the rape of the Amazon rain forest. Find something worthwhile that could use a contribution of your time, energy, talent, and money. Get out there and do something to help mankind, the environment, the planet. But most of all please, for yourself, get a life. Now that I have vented on you, please feel free write back as you have the time and desire. Tell me more about yourself. I actually think, dispite your obvious care for the feline species, that you are probably a good and worthwhile person underneath it all. Vent back at me, if you feel the need. But, if you wish to have a meaningful dialog, the threats of bodily harm against me must cease. At the least, it is totally counter productive. Shalom.